


In the Name of Duty and Honor

by nothingisreal



Series: Alec's POV [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, POV Third Person, if you look for it, mild Self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-20 20:13:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19383889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingisreal/pseuds/nothingisreal
Summary: Alec's life is not perfect but it's not awful either. Peaceful. Or at least as peaceful as it can get for a Shadowhunter. Of course then Clary comes barging in, bringing chaos wherever she goes. But maybe it's not all as bad as he first suspects.Basically the first season from Alec's POV and moments we didn't get to see.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alec is my favourite character ever, so I wanted to write his take on what happened in the series. Most of it takes place between the scenes or is just inner-monologue.  
> Not very Clary-friendly, since this is Alec's POV and he wasn't exactly a fan of hers at the beginning.  
> English isn't my first language. I tried my best to eliminate all the British spellings and words and whatnot but I probably missed a bunch of them anyway so tell me if you find any. Politely. I may add more tags and characters later, because I've probably forgotten half of them. Not 100% sure about the rating, it may go up. Same goes for the number of chapters.  
> This chapter is mostly inner-monologue and about what we actually saw in the series.

Alec sometimes wondered what it would be like if he was more like his sister. Izzy was his opposite in almost every aspect. He’d never admit it but he sometimes envied the way she floated through life. She could break down walls with sheer strength of will. Maybe it was idealism, maybe plain rebellion. Whatever it was - it _worked_. 

But Alec wasn’t like that. He understood the world he was born to. He knew what his duty was and what was expected of him. The rules existed for a reason. His job was to make sure people followed them, not break them himself. He wouldn’t be a very good leader if he expected others to obey orders when he did whatever he wanted, with no sense of right and wrong. 

He learnt to accept his life years ago. It didn’t mean he had to enjoy it. He was guilty, full of hate for himself. He wished sometimes, half-heartedly, that he could look at girls and see whatever it was Jace saw. More so, he wished he could look at Jace and see his brother, his parabatai. It was so wrong and Alec was helpless, unable to stop.

He would never say it out loud, but he was sure Izzy noticed. Jace could be oblivious when he wanted to but his sister knew people - knew _him_ . It was so easy when she finally figured it out that for a second Alec let himself imagine that maybe this _could_ be his life. Then reality set in. But he never corrected her assumptions. Even if he’d tried, she would have seen right through him. It was better to say nothing and let her come to her own conclusions. He trusted her, perhaps naively, not to push him about this.

That was another reason why he couldn’t be like Izzy. She wore her heart on the sleeve, unapologetic about whom she loved and what she wanted. Alec couldn’t do that. He’d be risking everything for nothing. He was a soldier. A Shadowhunter. He kept his emotions under control and let cold logic and reason lead him through life. It was better this way - safer.

Training was his escape. He had always used it as a way of releasing all the pent up emotions - frustration, anger, guilt, all the things he kept bottling up. What good was a Shadowhunter who let their feelings control them? He could spend hours working out until his lungs burned and he couldn’t feel his limbs anymore. He liked it. He liked the ache in his muscles the next day. It was a constant reminder to keep himself in check. Over time he had to push himself more, work even harder to get the same effect. So he did. 

The punching bag felt sturdy under his fist but for once it wasn’t good enough. He wanted to destroy something. To rip stuff apart, punch a wall maybe until his knuckles were bleeding or the bricks started coming apart under the assault. He wanted to throw Jace to the ground and yell at him, tell him off for being an idiot, so blinded by some boobs and long red hair that he was willing to watch the two of them burn. His fucking _parabatai_. Alec would have done anything for him. Now he was numb and tired, exhausted by Jace constantly demanding things from him, asking him to go against every principle he had to help the girl he hated. 

The image of Clary’s tear-stained face flashed across his mind. His fist almost went in on the next punch. He didn’t stop. He had never hated anyone this much in his life. He could admit it was jealousy but that much he could deal with. He wasn’t a little kid… He wasn’t like Clary who acted like the whole world owed her something. He could handle some disappointment - world wasn’t fair and it was naive to believe otherwise. It was no longer about the way Jace had lost his head for her. It was about _everything_. How she never stopped to think. How Izzy took to her immediately. And now, to top it all off, the girl turned out to be Valentine’s freaking _daughter_. And Alec was the only one who questioned it. 

Heels clicked on the floor behind him. He didn’t turn around, his strikes didn’t even falter. Unlike Clary Fray, he’d been trained to keep his focus. 

“I thought you were asleep,” Izzy said.

“Not tired,” Alec huffed out.

“Would you stop it for a second? _Alec_.”

With one last punch which left the bag wobbling, he stepped away, turning to face his sister. 

“We’ve got a lead.”

Izzy was looking at him _like that_ again. Alec knew that look. It was the expression she wore when she was about to start a conversation he didn’t want to have. Why couldn’t some people take the hint and leave him alone? 

“Is everything okay?” 

He raised an eyebrow, fingers tightening around his T-shirt. “Are you kidding me? _Nothing_ is okay. Why doesn’t anyone else get that?”

He was reaching his breaking point. He didn’t know what it was or how it was going to end. He had never lost control before. Over two decades of learning to keep his cool and all it was going to take was less than one week. One week and he’d unravel. 

He was just _so tired_. 

Hastily pulling the shirt on, he strode past Izzy. If he had to be honest with himself, he was running away like a coward. But he didn’t have to, so he just told himself he was going to check what was happening. There was blood on the hem of his T-shirt where he’d wiped his fingers off but the spots were small and the fabric dark enough for no one else to notice. Unless they knew what they were looking for and Alec was certain nobody did. 

 

***

 

Magnus Bane. He would be trouble. Alec could almost feel it. Gut feeling was bullshit but this time it was very likely to be right. One of the most powerful warlocks, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, a man who’d lived for centuries, and who was a downworlder. And they were supposed to just trust him. It didn’t help that Alec hated parties. And he hated the strange curiosity bubbling in his stomach as he watched the photos of the man who supposedly had Clary’s memories.

And Izzy… _Interesting_ \- his sister thought the situation was _interesting_ , _fun_ even. Alec could never hate her but he could be mad. She was just so blind sometimes. It wasn’t fun. It was going to be a disaster, especially with the way he seemed to be the only one who realized what exactly they were getting themselves into. _Had gotten_ themselves into. They were already up to their necks. It was like sinking sand, the more he tried to get out, the more he’d drown. At this point, it was better to go with it, against his better judgement. 

In the end, it was worse than he’d expected. They got nothing, they lost the necklace, and he felt just about ready to kill Jace. Possibly Izzy too because, as much as he loved her, he had a feeling that when he finally broke, there would be collateral damage. His little sister was right when she said he couldn’t keep bottling things up. There were just too many feelings, bubbling closer and closer to the surface with every passing hour. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep up the cool facade before it all exploded in the most spectacular way possible.

The worst part was - he’d only caught a glimpse of that Magnus Bane guy, yet it was enough to spark his curiosity even more.

 

***

 

It was official - Alec was the most awkward person on the planet. He was supposed to be better than this. Shadowhunters didn’t turn into preteen girls just because a guy looked at them. Even if the guy was the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Who smiled _like that_. At Alec of all people. And there was something in his stare… 

Alec wanted… something. He didn’t know exactly what. It didn’t really matter either way because he’d never have it. But he could allow himself a moment of weakness when no one could see. How pathetic was it that he’d probably spend the rest of his life jerking off to the memory of Magnus’s smile? 

Then they joined the others and Alec finally got himself under control. Mostly. Enough to remember that Magnus was a man, even worse - a warlock - and would never actually be interested. And on the off-chance he could be - Alec would never act on it. Probably. He was afraid that if Magnus kept looking at him like that, he would break. Just crumble on the spot, his family and the Clave be damned. 

He was supposed to be better than this. 

It was ridiculous but Alec could swear Magnus’s stare was palpable. It felt like his skin was burning. Truth be told, it might have been, he was blushing so hard, his entire face probably had the color of a ripe tomato. And the worse part was - it felt _good_. He preened under the scrutinization, pushing back his shoulders and straightening his back. Magnus was something else and to be the focus of his attention was putting butterflies in Alec’s stomach. Nobody had ever looked at him that way before. Or at least nobody that mattered. He wasn’t oblivious enough not to notice girls staring after him as he walked past. He just could never really bring himself to care. 

And he called Alec _pretty boy_ … Magnus thought he was _pretty_ . And as hard as Alec was trying to be annoyed, all he could manage was some strange dizziness. How could anyone think _he_ was pretty with _Jace_ stood right next to him? Especially somebody like Magnus. 

Alec realized Magnus was probably just having fun. He looked like the kind of person who’d flirt with anyone just for the sake of it. Alec almost managed to rein his emotions once more. But then Clary disappeared in the other room, busy drawing the pentagram, and Alec had seen it before, he knew how elaborate it was. She’d probably be gone for a while. He was fully prepared to spend the time avoiding Izzy’s knowing looks - though what exactly she thought she knew was beyond him - and revising all the reasons why he shouldn’t be interested. He couldn’t even tell if it would be worse to like Magnus or Jace. A downworlder versus his parabatai. His love life was a disaster waiting to happen. 

Magnus didn’t let him dwell on it. He slid up to where Alec was perched on the couch, too close to the armrest to be able to move away even an inch, and there was that smile again. The glitter under around his eyes caught light in a way which made Alec unable to look away. He resisted the urge to fidget or pull on his collar. Magnus’s smirk told Alec he’d noticed anyway.

Alec was expecting another come-on, perhaps one that would go right over his head. He could tell Magnus was low-key flirting but he didn’t really get it. Romance wasn’t his forte. But then Magnus relaxed against the back of the couch, legs splayed carelessly in front of him. Alec wondered for a second if Magnus was ever careless or if his every move was part of a meticulously crafted performance.

“Your friend’s looking at me like he wants to rip my throat out.”

The sentence wasn’t at all what Alec had been expecting. Enough to make him whip his head around and, true to Magnus’s words, Jace was glaring in their direction, eyes narrowed and right hand where Alec knew he kept his blade. 

“He’s…” Alec started saying but trailed off when he realized he didn’t know how to defend Jace. He didn’t particularly _want_ to defend Jace and that in itself was terrifying.

“Maybe he’s afraid I’m going to steal your virtue.” Magnus’s voice was lower all of a sudden and Alec could have sworn he felt it vibrating in his own bones. Then his brain processed the meaning of the words and heat spread through his entire body.

“Are you?” He asked. Because apparently his filter was broken. There must have been something in Magnus’s cologne that made Alec feel like he’d been drugged.

Magnus chuckled. Alec couldn’t tell if it was _at_ him but found he didn’t really care. He didn’t mind being ridiculous if it made Magnus laugh. He had a very nice laugh. And it was so easy. Jace didn’t laugh very often. Or smile for that matter. And only occasionally because of Alec. 

“Perhaps,” Magnus agreed easily. “Can you blame me though?” His gaze travelled down Alec’s face, stopping briefly on his lips, and then down, down… Alec inhaled sharply when Magnus licked his lips. His brain was screaming at him to get off that couch but he couldn’t move. Magnus’s side was pressed against his and he was looking at Alec like he was some treasure or a prize and Alec could feel himself melting into a puddle. He was so weak, helpless under Magnus’s heated stare. He wanted to get closer, press himself against Magnus, make him laugh again, that low, knowing laugh, which Alec felt in his stomach and…

And then Clary shouted that she was ready and the spell was broken. Alec felt foolish. He had forgotten himself, forgotten his place and his duty. And Jace and Izzy had been there to witness the entire scene. He needed to get a grip. It was proving extremely difficult with Magnus Bane around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for Magnus. I'm doing my best but I feel like he's extremely OOC and I just can't seem to get the hang of it. I'll do better, promise.  
> The next chapter is better and not as... well, boring.  
> On a side note, I haven't written a fic in about six months, so I may be a bit rusty. And I've never written a fic for this fandom at all, so there's that.


	2. Chapter 2

Alec hated being reminded that things could always get worse. He should never let himself forget it in the first place. It was bad enough to hold hands with Magnus _and_ Jace, even if it was for the ritual. He was so nervous his palms must have been really sweaty. It was hard to tell, his limbs felt numb, his whole body felt numb, like it didn’t belong to him anymore. No demon had ever terrified him enough to make him lose his head. But there must be a first time for everything. And it wasn’t really the demon that was scaring the shit out of him anyway.

He wasn’t prepared to have the memory of Jace ripped from him, for everyone to see. For _Jace_ to see. Alec wasn’t blind, he saw the look on his parabatai’s face. The shock and disgust twisting his expression into a frown. He was never supposed to know. And now he hated Alec.

“Nothing to be ashamed of,” Magnus had said.

Alec stopped himself from laughing hysterically, just barely, his face back to the cold emotionless mask he’d been perfecting for some twenty years. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he insisted.

“You will.”

And what the hell was that even supposed to mean? 

Alec paid it no mind at first, too busy watching Clary and Izzy hovering over Jace, helping him up and making sure he was okay. Alec wanted to run. He wanted to leave the goddamned apartment, the entire city, and go somewhere far away, an isolated place where no one would bother him. But that would be irresponsible and he didn’t spend his life building a reputation to throw it all away in less than a minute… On second thoughts, he had already done that, hadn’t he? One second was all it took and now everyone knew. Well, _Jace_ knew which was worse than everyone. The entire institute would probably find out by the next day. He could trust his sister to keep her mouth shut, she had been doing that for years, but a secret was no longer a secret when five people knew about it.

He couldn’t sleep. His body was tense, every nerve wired and every muscle ready to react at a moment’s notice. Except there was no real threat. Nobody was going to attack him in his own bed. He kept replaying the scene over and over in his head, as if it would lose meaning. It began to feel almost like a dream but he knew it was real. He’d never forget that look on Jace’s face. Normally he’d get up and spend the time training. But his bedroom was safe enough and there was no way of knowing whom he’d run into outside.

And then Magnus’s words came back to him. _You will_. He will… what? 

 

***

 

The guilt never went away. It was one of the reasons why he never really let Jace cross his mind when he was doing this. He never thought about any guy he actually knew at all. It was just plainly wrong. Maybe because he knew they would hate the attention or maybe because he himself thought it was wrong, the reason wasn’t important. 

But Magnus was different. He _wanted_ Alec’s attention. He _wanted_ Alec to find him attractive. It made things so much more complicated. With how deep the warlock had managed to get under his skin, it was hardly a surprise that Alec couldn’t get him out of his mind. His words at first, yes. But then Jace’s face faded away, replaced by Magnus - his laugh, his eyes, the way he walked, how he pulled Alec in. No matter how hard he tried to resist, he couldn’t get away. It was a torture, in some ways worse than the knowledge that his secret was out. Because it was getting too real too fast.

It also did things to Alec. It wasn’t fair that someone could have that effect on him. He wasn’t a teenage boy anymore, he should be able to control himself better. But there was that look in Magnus’s eyes when they talked, and the way he smiled, how he ran his tongue over his lips, seemingly not realizing he was doing it, except he must have because everything about Magnus Bane, his every move, was carefully calculated. That was even worse. He must have known how he affected Alec just by being in the same room.

Alec had managed to pretend he didn’t get it, or at least he hoped so, but he doubted it had fooled Magnus. He didn’t fool himself, that for sure. Or his body for that matter. Magnus’s hand in his. The smell of cologne as Magnus leaned a bit too close. The warmth of his thigh where he pressed it against Alec’s. How Alec was just about ready to give in before Clary interrupted… 

Objectively, it was nothing. But Alec couldn’t get it all out of his mind. And he couldn’t control his body. In the end, he gave up, pushed his hand into his underwear and jerked off. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when it was the thought of Magnus possibly doing the same, thinking about _him_ , that finally pushed him over the edge.

 

***

 

“You look tired,” Izzy commented the next morning, a bit too cheerfully for Alec’s liking. 

“Don’t,” he warned.

Izzy flashed him a smile and fell easily into step with him as he strode down the corridor.

“About yesterday-”

Alec came to an abrupt stop. “ _Don’t_ ,” he repeated, this time meaning it. Izzy rolled her eyes, stopping beside him. 

“Would you relax? I just wanted to say that Magnus seemed very interested.”

Alec huffed and started walking again. Izzy’s words didn’t make him feel like his stomach was on fire. Not at all. That would be stupid.

“You should go for it.”

Alec pressed his lips together and decided to go deaf. There really was no way of changing his sister’s mind, once she’d decided to do something. Family trait, probably.

“But since I know you won’t,” she carried on, her voice just as strong as before. But Alec didn’t miss the cautious glance in his direction. The alarm bells in his head started pinging warningly.

“What did you do?” He asked, stopping again. He crossed his arms on his chest and stared down at Izzy who stared back with determination.

“I gave him your phone number.”

Alec raised an eyebrow. “You _what_?”

“He’s _hot_ , Alec,” Izzy whined. “ _And_ he’s nice. And he very obviously likes you.”

“I-” he started saying but found no words. Sometimes he didn’t know what to do with Izzy. It was one of those times. On the other hand, he had kind of expected her to do something insane. She wouldn’t be herself if she didn’t meddle at least a little bit. And he would rather die than admit it, but he was almost _pleased_. 

“Fine,” he said, voice low, and resumed his walk to his bedroom. 

There was silence before he heard heels clicking on the floor as Izzy jogged up to catch up with him. It was strangely satisfying that he’d managed to surprise her.

“Fine?” She repeated. “What do you mean?”

Alec shrugged. “I mean it’s _fine_.”

“That’s it? No complaints? No anger? Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” 

Alec almost laughed but managed to compose himself. “I have bigger problems right now.”

Izzy didn’t push for an explanation. Alec really hoped she failed to notice how he made sure he had his phone with him all the time after that. She’d never let him live it down if she did.

 

***

 

He was exhausted. He’d had enough. Nobody paid him to babysit. And excuse him if he thought a grown-up woman was capable of behaving like an adult. He should have known Clary would do something stupid like sneak out when he turned away for _one fucking minute_. 

And Jace… Alec had never wanted to punch him before, not really. They were parabatai, he’d basically be indirectly punching himself. But in that moment he had to bite his tongue and dig nails into his own hands so that he wouldn’t do something unforgivable. The need to hurt Jace was stronger than ever, stronger than he’d thought it could be. But then, he had never expected to be less important than a girl they’d met a few days earlier.

He didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to be doing this. Any of it. Running around the city, trying to find the girl he didn’t even like. And who really only had herself to blame. Okay, so maybe Alec felt guilty too. He’d screwed up again. It was his job to keep her safe and he failed. But being mad at himself didn’t mean he had to be sympathetic. If anything, it only made him angrier.

He could have been doing something important instead. Something that actually mattered. Searching for Valentine, dealing with the problem with Seelies, trying to convince his mother that he deserved to be the one going on diplomatic missions, having drinks with Magnus… 

Fair enough, maybe he was also pissed that Clary had taken that opportunity away from him. He deserved something nice once in a blue moon, for fuck’s sake. He had already aged ten years in the past week, he needed a break. Hunting demons was nowhere as exhausting as trying to keep Clary Fray under control. The girl had the amazing ability to run into danger and drag other people along with her. 

And Alec would rather die than let himself be destroyed like this.

 

***

 

It was a bad day from the beginning - Alec wouldn’t expect anything else while fighting with Jace - and then it kept getting worse. But that was just his life ever since Clary Fray appeared. At that point very little could still surprise him. So when Izzy dropped the bomb, there was no shock. He didn’t have the strength to be surprised anymore. All his emotions only fed into the growing anger he was feeling. He didn’t know how much longer he could last until it all burst out of him. And he wouldn’t be held responsible for his actions when it finally did. 

“They’re gonna make you marry.”

It was hardly ideal but it was something he’d been prepared for. But he never expected that his sister would be going on missions _he_ was supposed to go on. It was _his_ job to be the diplomat, the leader, not Izzy’s.

So he lashed out. It wasn’t Izzy’s fault but she was right there and all the frustration and disappointment and anger… they had to go _somewhere_. Because he had done everything they expected him to do, he’d given up his life to do what they wanted, and it got him nowhere. And he was just done.

“I’ve followed every rule,” he spat out through gritted teeth. “I’ve given up everything.”

Izzy’s hands on his shoulders didn’t feel comforting. It was as if he would collapse under the weight of everything. Her features twisted into a frown, the lines around her eyes deepening, corners of her mouth downturned. Alec hated it, he didn’t need her pity. He wanted… he didn’t know what he wanted. He’d never given it much thought because it never mattered. Perhaps he should start thinking about it now.

“We’ll find a way out of this,” she assured him.

Alec pushed her hands off him almost on instinct. He hated being pitied. He hated the soft look in her eyes, all the compassion and _hope_ . There was no hope for him, didn’t she get it? And he was sick of it, sick of everything. Of the people who’d brought him up, made him the man he was today, taught him everything he knew… And it was all one big lie. If he hadn’t been so mad, maybe it would have terrified him how little they mattered suddenly. Everything he’d done was because of them and they didn’t even think they owed him what he’d been working his ass off for. Like they owned him. Like he was something to be controlled and used whenever it suited their interests. Like he didn’t get a say in any of this and it was _his life_ they were talking about. 

“Screw the rules,” he said. It was strange to find he actually meant it. “Screw them. Screw all of this.”

He didn’t wait to hear what Izzy would have to say about this. Jace needed him. _Magnus_ needed him. And Alec was done. He was sick of living someone else’s life. It wasn’t worth it. None of it was worth anything anymore.

 

***

 

He got there just in time. Magnus looked like he was about to pass out. The rational part of Alec’s brain cut off when he saw the warlock kneeling beside the couch. He ran up there, hand hovering over the small of Magnus’s back in case he did collapse, but not daring to touch. 

“I need your strength.”

He only hesitated for a second before laying his palm in Magnus’s.

“Take what you need.”

He could have sworn he saw surprise on the warlock’s face. As if he hadn’t been expecting Alec to actually comply. But why wouldn’t he? That was the entire point of him being there - to help. Not to mention his job. Sort of. And, honestly, he _wanted_ to do it. He wanted to help Magnus, to make the frown disappear. To make the warlock smile at him again, like he thought Alec was some piece of art to be admired.

Magnus’s palm was a bit clammy and there were drops of sweat running down his face. Alec wanted to pull him to his chest, to somehow make it all better. It was similar to the feeling he got whenever Izzy was sick and feverish but not _quite_ the same, even though he couldn’t quite pinpoint what the difference was. 

And then when Magnus fell back against him, Alec had to remind himself it probably wouldn't be the best idea to get his arms around the warlock and take him to bed. He had the urge to wrap him up in a blanket and bring him some hot tea and do… whatever it was you were supposed to do whenever people ran out of magic. 

The man was centuries old, he’d seen and experienced more than Alec could even begin to imagine. He had the power to turn him into a pile of ash if he just wished to do so. But in that moment, propped against Alec’s chest, trembling slightly and barely managing to keep his eyes open, he felt so small and fragile… Like something precious and delicate, like he would break if Alec hugged him too tightly. 

It was the most terrifying experience in his life. Because he suddenly realized that he wanted to stay there, to let the others go back and look for Valentine. As if it was more important to make sure Magnus was fine than to find the most dangerous man in the world, the one who was planning a major massacre which could kill thousands of innocent people. As if Magnus was that one thing worth sacrificing everything for. And maybe he was.


	3. Chapter 3

Alec agreed to just one more drink. And that was exactly what he got. The alcohol was bitter on his tongue, burning down his throat, and heating up his stomach. He told himself that was the reason why after two hours his glass remained almost full. But the drink must have been really strong because those few sips were enough to leave him dizzy and warm all over. Or at least Alec hoped it was the alcohol.

Magnus was watching him over his tipped glass, his tongue swiping over the rim in a way that made Alec’s head spin even more. He would have thought it was deliberate but for once Magnus seemed genuinely oblivious. He was sitting on the other end of the couch, staring out of the window, lost in thoughts. Alec was staring. He couldn’t help it. Magnus was just so… amazing? Wonderful? Incredible? 

He had enough power to blow up the entire city with a wave of his hand. And yet Alec didn’t have it in him to be afraid. He trusted the warlock. It was stupid and careless, because giving loyalty away like it meant nothing was a surefire way to get killed and not even know what hit you before it was too late. But maybe Alec could be reckless? Just once in his life. 

“What are you thinking about?” He asked after the silence stretched out for a moment too long. He had put his glass down, not even trying to pretend he was drinking anymore. One drink, he’d said, and one drink it would be. Nobody was timing him.

Magnus’s gaze flitted to him like he’d forgotten Alec was there at all. “Just remembering that one night I spent with-”

“Michelangelo?” Alec cut in. Before he could start overthinking it, Magnus cracked a smile and shrugged. Alec made a noncommittal noise. 

“What are you _really_ thinking about?” He didn’t realize he had lowered his voice until he’d said it. As if it was a secret. He wanted to share a secret with Magnus. It was a startling revelation but so very true. Something nobody else knew…

Magnus stared at him for a long moment, as if searching for something. Alec tried not to squirm but Magnus’s smile told him he didn’t quite succeed.

“You,” Magnus admitted in the end.

Alec opened his mouth, realized he had no response to that, and closed it again. He took two big gulps of his drink. It made his throat feel like he’d been yelling for hours but maybe it would do the trick and help him loosen up a bit. Even though he was already pretty loosened up. Perhaps too much. He needed to remember Magnus was a man. He was a downworlder. He had better things to do. _He had wanted to see Alec again_. 

“Am I making you uncomfortable?”

Magnus’s expression was softer than Alec had seen it before. There was no sign of the usual smirk or mischievous glint in his eyes. 

“I don’t know,” Alec admitted, the most honest answer he could come up with. The warlock was certainly making him… _something_ but uncomfortable probably wasn’t the best word for it.

Magnus chuckled. “Not used to the attention, are you?”

“No.” 

Magnus nodded slowly, his gaze swiping over Alec’s frame before coming up to rest somewhere around his lips.

“Silly, blind Shadowhunters,” he muttered, shaking his head. Alec got the impression it wasn’t really meant for him to hear. The words sparked something in him, that same feeling deep in his stomach, like what he experienced when they first met. It made him want to run away but also to pull Magnus closer and…

“People usually focus on Izzy or Jace. I mean, have you seen them? Well, obviously you have but-”

“Water?” Magnus asked, interrupting his nervous rambling. He snapped his fingers and two glasses appeared on the table. 

“You shouldn’t do that.”

Magnus looked at him with wide eyes, brows raised in silent question. Alec waved his hand. 

“Magic,” he said. “You should get some rest.” Another reason for him to go home.

Apparently, Magnus thought so too because he shifted on the couch, stare fixed on Alec’s face, his lips pressed into a thin line. “Is this the part where you leave?”

“I should.”

“Do you want to?”

Alec furrowed his brows. “It doesn’t matter what I want,” he insisted.

“And yet here we are.”

Alec opened his mouth but there was no right comeback to that statement. 

“Stay,” Magnus said, voice low and almost pleading.

So he did.

 

***

 

“You really are something special, aren’t you?” Magnus muttered, his eyes full of wonder.

“I’m not,” Alec protested. “I…” he trailed off, glancing up to meet Magnus’s eyes, only to avert his gaze again when he found the warlock staring at him. “Can I tell you something?”

He was expecting a joke. Something that would dissolve the tension Alec had put between them without really meaning to. But Magnus just nodded, setting his drink aside and shifting on the sofa, pulling one leg under his body and propping his arm on the backrest, so that he was facing Alec properly. It made Alec feel off-balance, he wasn’t used to having this much attention on him. But it also made him want to smile like an idiot, for no real reason at all, because it was nice to feel like someone wanted to listen to him, truly hear what he had to say. Alec had no way of knowing that, he’d only met Magnus a couple of days earlier, but he didn’t think the warlock would judge him, no matter what he said. 

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” he confessed, gauging Magnus’s reaction. All he got in response was an encouraging smile and a nod and then the words were just spilling out of his mouth, years worth of thoughts he’d never dared to say out loud.

“They’ve had my whole life planned, you know. And that was okay. It was what I was supposed to do. I was brought up to follow orders and obey the rules and not question the Clave and all that. But… I’ve been working my ass off. I’ve done everything they asked of me. I’ve never gone against anything they’ve told me. And what do I get for this? My sister’s the one going on diplomatic missions while I’m stuck at the Institute, babysitting that girl who has no sense of self-preservation or maybe just no brain for all I know. And my parents are probably looking for the perfect wife for me as we speak. And nobody ever asks me what I want,” he paused to take a breath. Magnus was biting his lip, something dark in his eyes. Alec wasn’t sure where it came from but it hadn’t been there before. He decided to worry about it later.

“And I never cared about anything because I was doing the right thing. I was doing what was best for my family and for the Institute and-”

“It does matter,” Magnus interrupted him suddenly.

Alec looked over at him, brows furrowed and mouth hanging open. “What?”

“It matters,” Magnus repeated, some strange determination in his voice. “What you want. It’s _your_ life. Maybe you could start thinking what _you_ want from it, not your parents.”

Alec sighed. It was such a tempting prospect. And right there, with Magnus spread out on the sofa beside him, watching him like he was afraid Alec was just a figment of his imagination that would disappear the second he looked away, with the anger still not quite settled in his stomach, ready to make the blood rush through his veins without a warning at the slightest provocation… with the thought of some girl he was expected to spend the rest of his life with, possibly someone he’d never even seen before, and Magnus’s body just an arm’s length away, all Alec would need to do was reach out and he’d be able to feel the soft skin under his fingertips. All that made Alec want to  forget about everything, all rules and obligations and morality, and just stay there, on that couch, as long as Magnus kept looking at him like that. 

For one night he could let himself pretend that could be his new reality.

 

***

 

Alec’s whole life had been a lie. It stung, sure. But more than anything, it made him want to lash out. He had been determined to throw his life away just to please his parents. He never questioned anything. He followed every single rule, every stupid law, no matter how insane and unfair. And in return they had been lying to him - to all of them - for over twenty years. Circle members. They’d never even mentioned it.

Sharp pain shot up his arm each time he made a rash move. It felt good. It reminded him to keep himself in check. It was one of the reasons he shrugged off Magnus’s offer to heal the wound. The pain was good, it assured him he was still alive. The other reason was much more complicated. He didn’t want Magnus this close. He didn’t want the warlock’s hands on him. He sure as hell didn’t want to hear those words, so soft and caring. He had no right to be concerned, they barely knew each other.

Every tender look, every low word, every brush of Magnus’s fingers on Alec’s skin made him want to scream. He was being trapped. He _was_ trapped. In a way he had been all his life but he never really felt it before. The engagement was a middle finger to his parents but also to Magnus. Alec couldn’t be convinced to throw his life, his principles, away. Not for a lifelong lie. Not for a pretty smile and a few nice words. In the end, he simply chose the best option.

Lydia was amazing. And she understood what they were doing. She knew it was for the best. Alec could truly learn to love her. Not the way people expected him to but did it really matter in the end? She wasn’t looking for love. She’d found it and then lost it in the worst way possible. Nephilim only loved once. She wouldn’t ask for more than he could give. And it was another proof that following his heart would only cause him pain.

But the look in Magnus’s eyes… Alec didn’t know what he’d been expecting but the reality was worse than anything he could have come up with. Magnus wasn’t angry. He didn’t yell, he didn’t blast anything to pieces. He was just so sad. Resigned maybe. Alec could see pity in that stare and it made him angrier. He didn’t need anyone’s pity, he was _fine_.

That night he couldn’t sleep again. And it was Magnus’s fault once more. There was something hot coiling just under Alec’s skin, making him twitch restlessly. The bed was too hard and the springs creaked every time he shifted. The air was too thick to breathe properly, despite the open window. He was sweating, little droplets running down the back of his legs, where the blanket was twisted around him, and making the sheets stick to his skin unpleasantly. 

He couldn’t get Magnus out of his mind. No matter how hard he tried. He had been managing just fine before Lydia arrived in his life. He thought everything was going back to normal. He almost wished she’d never came. Maybe if he hadn’t found out about their parents… he’d do what? Marry some girl they’d chosen for him? That would be a worse fate than what he was experiencing now. 

Alec closed his eyes and tried to focus on Lydia. She didn’t smile a lot. Now that he thought about it, Shadowhunters hardly ever smiled. But when she did, it made her eyes light up. She was pretty, there was no denying it. He imagined holding her close, kissing her… 

He could do that, he was sure of it. But doing something was one thing. He could also kill demons and write reports, it didn’t mean he enjoyed it. Still, there could be worse things and life wasn’t about _enjoying_ things. Lydia was the best deal he could get and he’d be damned if he screwed that up. He was nothing if not determined. Once he’d decided to do something, he’d go through with it, everybody else be damned. He was going to marry Lydia and his parents had no right to stop him.

 

***

 

He must have drifted off at some point, because when he woke up again, the dawn was slowly breaking. He had been dreaming about… something. He rarely remembered his dreams. But whatever - or _whoever_ \- it was, must have made quite an impression on him. His underwear was soaked and his whole body was now sticky with sweat. He kicked off the sheets impatiently, too tired to get up and change. He’d shower in the morning.

He closed his eyes and tried to fall back asleep but his body wouldn’t cooperate. He shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position, and it made his erection rub against the mattress. He wasn’t a teenager anymore, he should have been able to control his impulses. But it had been an emotional few days and he needed something - _anything_. A cold shower wouldn’t be enough, he was too wired. As he rubbed against the bed again, this time purposefully, he tried to think of Lydia. But the image of glittery eyes and a pleased smile flashed across his mind. With a resigned sigh, he turned onto his back and shoved a hand into his underwear. It didn’t mean anything. 

His palm was dry but there was enough precum and sweat to make it almost pleasant. He squeezed his eyes shut and finally let his imagination run wild. Magnus had years of experience - _centuries_ even - he could show him things Alec had never dreamed of. He’d be as graceful as he always was, fluid movements that would push Alec right to the edge. Honestly, Magnus probably wouldn’t have to do much more than take his clothes off and Alec would be done for. He wanted Magnus’s hands on him, his lips pressing kisses down Alec’s body, his tongue teasing him, his… okay, he didn’t quite dare to imagine what Magnus could do to him with _other_ parts of his body. 

Magnus would take his time. He’d strip Alec slowly, gentle fingertips almost teasing against his heated skin, and kiss him until he was aching for more. And then he’d finally push their hips together, perhaps hold Alec’s hands down against the mattress… 

Alec never liked being at the mercy of other people, he needed to feel in control, but in that moment the thought of just giving himself up to Magnus, trusting him so completely and unconditionally, was what made him thrust into his hands, a stifled gasp falling from his lips as he came all over his own fist.

He knew there would be no more sleeping for him that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm changing the rating because this has gone beyond T I think.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly wasn't expecting to have the whole thing done in three days. Guess this is what happens when you don't write for way too long. Admittedly, this was hardly my best work but I'm rather pleased with it anyway.

It was awful to get up feeling more tired than when he’d gone to bed. The thoughts of the wedding and Jace and, worst of all, Magnus kept haunting him. It wasn’t so easy to remind himself why exactly he was doing the right thing when everything around him was quiet and peaceful. It was harder still when he saw Magnus’s face each time he closed his eyes. Their first meeting, how comfortable he looked when it was just the two of them, his gaze lingering on Alec’s body when he caught him training, that look on Magnus’s face when he found out about the engagement, so heartbroken… Alec had almost called the whole thing off in that moment because it was awful to see Magnus so let-down and even worse to know he was the reason.

He reached for his phone several times but caught himself each time before he could call Magnus. What would he even say anyway? That morning he was exhausted, feeling like he could spontaneously burst into tears if someone so much as  _ looked _ at him the wrong way and that was certainly new. But it was all too much. All the feelings he’d been burying deeper and deeper inside himself were suddenly springing to the surface, threatening to take over his reason.

So he did the only sane thing. He wrote off what had happened as an accident, a one-off, something that he had to get out of his system, so that he could finally move on with his life. He needed to get Magnus Bane out of his head before he destroyed everything. It was his fault. He was the reason for Alec’s sudden confusion. It was insane and childish and Alec needed to deal with it immediately.

He knew what he needed to do, he knew his place and what was expected of him. He’d merely let himself get carried away for a moment because someone finally paid attention to him. And that was all it was. Because even if he’d been willing to let everything go to hell, let his life burn down to the ground for one guy, Magnus wasn’t serious. It was just a bit of fun. Something he did to pass the time. Because he had lots of it, the whole eternity. He could spare a couple of weeks - hell, a couple of  _ years _ even, if he felt like it - to have some fun and it would be just some memory. A little piece of eternity which didn’t really mean anything in the end. 

Alec had only one go at it, he had to get it right the first time. He wouldn’t destroy everything, let his family suffer, make his little sister bear the burden she was never even supposed to know, all for a fleeting moment of… of what exactly?  Of fun? Of feeling wanted? Magnus couldn’t understand what it was like, he was the kind of person who did what they wanted and not what needed to be done. And he wasn’t a Shadowhunter. Their values were dirt to him, something which only held them back, and he wasn’t afraid to let it show.

And that was it. Alec had had a moment of weakness, he could probably afford one, especially since nobody really got hurt. But he was okay now. He was back on track. He remembered what he was supposed to be doing and what he certainly couldn’t even think of. He could disagree, he could be going against his moral compass, but at the end of the day he was a soldier. He was supposed to follow orders and not think about the morality of it all.  _ The law is hard but it’s the law _ , he’d been taught that and he would never let himself forget it again. 

 

***

 

Of course he couldn’t have foreseen his baby sister being put on trial. The thought of Izzy, alone, without her weapons and runes… The thought that he’d be unable to help her, offer her anything which would be of any use, it freaked him out. He’d been going through hell but at least he was doing it for her. And now… now Clave was using her to get what they wanted and Alec couldn’t do  _ anything _ . 

Jace and Clary had disappeared through a portal to some another dimension, he couldn’t feel Jace anymore and he couldn’t think of even one good reason why they had even gone there in the first place. Probably looking for Clary’s mother, because that was apparently more important than his sister’s life. Or the safety of the entire world. If Valentine got his hands on that Cup… Alec didn’t even want to think about it. He was helpless, unable to save Izzy, there was absolutely nothing he could do. Because the whole thing was really just a way to get the Cup and he  _ didn’t have it _ . Not anymore. Because Jace had to go and fuck up, leaving Alec to clean up his mess again. Leaving Izzy to pay for it… 

Clary wasn’t worth it. Hell, even Jace wasn’t worth it. Alec never even wanted to consider it, but if it came down to it, he would do  _ anything _ to save his sister. Jace had no right to put her in danger for his little girlfriend. If Alec could take Izzy’s place up there on that stand, he would without a second’s hesitation. 

Asking Magnus for help was hardly ideal but it would ease Izzy’s mind, so of course he did it. Even though he knew Magnus couldn’t actually help her, even if he wanted to - downworlders couldn’t defend shadowhunters in court. He’d always thought saying that his stomach was tied in knots was just a huge cliche, but that was what it felt like as he walked into Magnus’s apartment. They hadn’t seen each other since Alec told him about the engagement and the image of Magnus’s face - all the despair and resignation - hadn’t really left him.

He should have seen it coming. He should have known Magnus wouldn’t be serious even at a time like this. That he would use any opportunity to make a joke. Maybe he did expect it, at least subconsciously. It was mostly his own reaction that took him by surprise.

“What do you want?”

“You,” Magnus replied without missing a beat. 

Alec felt something not unlike regret. He almost wished Magnus had meant it. Almost forgot himself again, let himself be swept up in the charm of it, the heat of Magnus’s stare making his skin tingle. Almost agreed, even though he knew Magnus was joking. It would be so easy, one little three-letter word and it’d be done.  _ Almost _ … 

“Anything else,” he said instead, pushing away the urge to agree to the deal, agree to whatever Magnus wanted from him. 

He couldn’t have it. He could never have any of it. And he was getting married. 

Those were all great reasons but they changed nothing. Alec still felt that pull low in his tummy whenever Magnus looked at him  _ like that _ . Or whenever he smirked. Or stood too close. He doubted it would ever go away. He wasn’t even sure he really wanted it to.

 

***

 

This was it. The end of Alec’s life as he knew it. Not that it should have mattered much. It did. He wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to go through the day, dread growing in the pit of his stomach, making him feel sick. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want the wedding. And he didn’t want Magnus to confuse him any more than he already had. 

Because to the warlock it was all a bit of fun. But it was Alec’s life and he couldn’t gamble it away on the off-chance that whatever it was with Magnus would work out. Was it really so hard to understand? He  _ was _ following his heart, he  _ was _ living for himself. Probably not quite what Magnus had meant but he’d have to deal with it. In several years he would forget all of it. In a century he wouldn’t even know Alexander Lightwood had ever existed, let alone the determination with which he’d been trying to get into his pants. Nothing mattered anymore. At this time the following day, Alec would have a wife.

If he could keep the institute -  _ run _ it - and restore the honor to his family name, a silly wedding was a small price to pay. He wasn’t just doing it for himself. He was doing it for Izzy, and Jace, and even his parents. In a way, he was also doing it for Magnus. The warlock would be disappointed for a while and then get over it. There was no way he could actually  _ want _ to have Alec in his life. He was just a challenge, a prize to be won, enjoyed for a bit, then thrown away when he got to be too much. And he would. Because he was too much. He couldn’t expect anyone to willingly deal with it. Especially not somebody like Magnus who could have the world at his beck and call if he only wished for it hard enough. 

“It’s not too late, you know?” 

Alec glanced away from his reflection to see Izzy leaning against the doorframe. She was wearing a silky robe but she had makeup on and her hair looked like she’d just curled it. Memories flashed across his mind, of Izzy clinging on to him when she was sad, of letting her sneak into his bed, despite what their parents had said, when she had nightmares. Alec would set the world on fire for her. Another reason why he had to go through with it. He was doing it for his little sister. Because Izzy would suffocate if all the weight he’d been carrying landed on her shoulders. He knew she could handle it, she could handle everything. But she shouldn’t have to. What was he good for if he couldn’t even keep his baby sister from having to go against everything she believed in? 

“Not too late for what?” He asked, expression carefully emotionless. Izzy could probably see right through it if her sigh was anything to go by.

“Not too late to call the whole thing off,” she said, stepping further into the room. She closed the door and strode over to where Alec was struggling with his bow tie. He handed it over before she could even ask. 

“I don’t want to.”

Izzy’s face didn’t change as she deftly tied the piece of fabric around his neck. 

“ _ Really _ ?”

Alec pressed his lips together and said nothing.

“Alec, I’m begging you-”

“Don’t,” he said. He had been going for stern but his voice broke, so it came out more pitiful and pleading than anything. But it was too much. He was still trying to recover from seeing Magnus. If Izzy begged him to call it off too, he might break.

She didn’t. She stayed true to what she’d said, how she’d support him, and kept her mouth shut. So why did Alec only feel regret when she glided out of the room, graceful as ever? Not quite as graceful as Magnus though. Nobody could ever be that.

 

***

 

It was like a dream. It didn’t feel real, none of it did. Jace tugged at the lapels of his jacket and normally that would prompt Alec’s stomach to drop but now he barely registered it at all. The room was full, people chattering away about things he didn’t really care about right then, maybe discussing his choice of bride, maybe gossiping about how Valentine was planning to build an army which could wipe out half the population of New York. 

It took every last ounce of his strength not to grab Jace’s wrists and beg him to get him away from it all. He would, Alec could see it in his face, the worried crease on his forehead. Hell, he could  _ feel _ it, wave after wave of fear and apprehension hitting Alec through the bond. Jace was never very good at suppressing his feelings. Neither of them were, though Alec had learned to mask the most terrifying parts, that yearning which he shouldn’t have been feeling anyway. Jace had nothing to hide. 

Alec had to stand there, trying to manage both his own and his parabatai’s growing panic. He’d never had a panic attack before and he had no clue what it felt like but he suspected he was getting closer and closer to finding out with every passing second. 

Jace said his name, soft and quiet, just for him to hear. 

“Are you okay?”

Alec opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, not knowing what to say. But there really was no point in lying to Jace. 

“No,” he gasped out, voice breaking.

Jace squeezed his shoulders and Alec felt like crying. He wanted to collapse in his arms, let Jace take his weight, and just have a breakdown, let all the emotions out. Maybe that was what would finally make him feel better.

“You can still-”

“Don’t,” Alec interrupted him before he could finish the sentence. “Don’t say that.  _ Please _ .”

Jace nodded. Then the ceremony began and Alec didn’t know what was happening anymore. It was like his brain refused to take in his surroundings. Jace led him to his place, grip firm on Alec’s arm, and then stepped back. Alec immediately missed him. Jace had been his anchor, the one thing that kept him grounded. Without him, Alec was floating. Things were happening around him but not  _ to _ him. 

He didn’t know how he managed to fasten the necklace. It must have been the years of training, the fact that he was a Shadowhunter, taught to keep his cool, but his hands were shaking anyway. It only got worse when Lydia’s fingers gripped the stele. Alec immediately zeroed in on it, it was all he could see. The tip coming closer and closer, about to touch his skin. It would be over in a moment. He’d be married. He’d have made a promise to spend the rest of his life by Lydia’s side.

He needed a moment to realize something wasn’t going according to plan. First he noticed Lydia pause. And when he looked up, her gaze was directed towards the doorway. Alec followed it, the pressure in his chest almost too much to bear. He couldn’t decide if he was thankful for the delay or if he just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Then Magnus marched in like he owned the place, like he had every right to be there, and Alec thought he might genuinely pass out. If he felt choked-up earlier, now he honestly had to gasp and it still felt like his lungs weren’t receiving enough oxygen. His brain still refused to work. He wanted to remind himself what was at stake, why they were here, about to be married, but reason didn’t work. Not when Magnus had that look on his face. Not when Alec’s skin was tingling, his hands twitching because of how much he wanted to touch. Magnus looked like his world was crashing down around him and Alec wanted to make it go away. He needed the warlock to smile, to tell Alec he’d unlocked something in him once more. And he never would again. Not with that rune adorning the inside of Alec’s arm. 

“I can’t breathe.” 

“I know,” Lydia said with a soft smile on her face. “It’s okay.”

It really wasn’t but he could see she understood. And there was no way he would go through with it now. But he still felt like an asshole, leaving her standing there. He let himself forget about it. Forget the duty, and the traditions, and everything else he’d used as an excuse. His mother’s face was twisted into a scowl and he  _ didn’t care _ . He didn’t want to listen to her reasons. They meant nothing to him. 

And then nothing mattered at all because Magnus was right there, right in front of him. And all Alec had to do was reach for him, fingers grasping at the soft fabric of his jacket, and pull him towards his body. It must have been the adrenaline and the relief of finally giving up, giving in, that made Alec feel so dizzy. It was the good kind of dizzy. The kind that made him want to laugh for no reason, not the kind that had him almost collapsing in Jace’s arms earlier. 

Magnus’s arms were around his waist and he was exhaling shakily, like he’d been expecting to be punched rather than kissed, and Alec wanted to laugh and cry and scream and maybe that was what Izzy had meant about his emotions exploding if he kept bottling things up but if this was what it felt like, he didn’t care.

They broke apart for a second, Alec couldn’t tell who leaned forward again, maybe they both did, but then they were kissing again. Alec felt like his sanity was finally returning to him.  Which maybe wasn’t such a good thing. When they finally broke apart, this time for good, the reality of what he’d just done finally hit. And he wanted to feel ashamed or scared or… anything, really. His mother wore an expression like she had smelled something particularly disgusting or maybe like she wanted to blow the whole place up. Alec looked for the anger or embarrassment inside himself but it wasn’t there.

And then Izzy practically floated towards them, grinning wider than Alec had ever seen before, and told him she was proud of him and Alec forgot all about their mother. He was lighter all of a sudden, like someone had taken a huge weight off him. Maybe that was what relief felt like. When he glanced at Magnus, the sharp lines on his face were gone, replaced by something soft and tender. Alec had done that, he was the reason Magnus was now smiling brightly again, a proud glint in his eyes as he watched Alec. He wanted to do it again, to keep Magnus looking so happy. The secret was finally out, for good this time. There was no way for him to go back and that thought should have been frightening but it only made him feel like he’d finally done something right. 


End file.
